I just need to put some thoughts out in words and open up a bit.
I cried at work today, and I've never done that before. I've been very stressed lately, and I guess it all just came to a head. My job just hasn't been that enjoyable lately, to the point it's making me depressed. I am actually depressed going to work, coming home from work, and at home at night. Yeah, that's not good, and I know it's not a healthy way to live, either.
So I had just been observed by one the heads of the math department for my school's county, and we were talking over lunch about the lesson I had taught. I told her that I thought it was a crap lesson, that my management skills were shit, and that the content (a geometry lesson on circles) only got partially covered. I expected her to all but agree with me (she's a brutally honest woman), except she went in the complete opposite direction and praised me for having one of the best lessons she'd seen all day. She thought my management skills were superb, and the lesson was full of engaging activities and higher-level student questioning that us teachers strive for. It was a complete 180 from the state of mind I was in, and I just broke down.
Every day, after every lesson, after every school day, my mind is going non-stop on how to improve my instruction and teaching. I want to be the best at what I do, and that's not some bullshit statement I'm just throwing out there. I'm ultra-competitive, and I hate not doing something well.
It's to a fault, though. I put more pressure on myself to succeed than I probably can reasonably handle, and thus create unnecessary stress I am forced to handle. And as Grace can attest, when dealing with stress I tend to internalize it, and, in essence, I shut down. I know I can be a miserable person to live with when I do this, and for that I'm sorry Grace. You don't deserve that, and I truly love you for being as understanding as you are.
I didn't quite know what to say my observer as I tried to stop crying. I've known her for three years now and we have an excellent relationship, but this was something new for me. I felt very unprofessional in a way, but at the same time I couldn't give a fuck. It needed to come out.
After awhile, I just opened up to her. I told her how I stress myself out, how I'm probably too hard on myself, and how my life is pretty much devoted to school. But as I kept going I surprised myself when I said that I don't feel appreciated.
I never really search for compliments on my teaching, so when they come I am always pleasantly surprised. But there's another side of being appreciated that goes far beyond pats on the back and "good jobs".
Do you know how many times my principal has been in my classroom this year? Twice. My two assistant principals? Zero. My math department chair, the person who is supposed to work with me on creating lessons and giving me feedback on my teaching? Twice. Basically, nobody sees me teach. I could be doing finger painting and making macaroni noodle pictures for all they know.
It hurts. When I put so much of my life into what I do...
I had my first good day in school today that I've had in a long while. Part of it was me opening up, part of it was just having someone appreciate what I do by taking the time to see it, and part of it was me having the feeling that I am a damn good teacher. In fact, the primary reason is the latter. I am a good teacher, and if I could bottle up what I'm feeling right now and save it for when I'm down on myself, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Thanks for reading. Just a rough patch right now. It will all be alright in the end.
"anyone can answer their own questions
all you have to do is look inside [inside inside]
you know it inside
you know it will be alright [alright alright]
you know its alright"
-Au Revoir Simone, "Shadows"
~Mikey D
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11 comments:
I have two stories for you. The first:
Two monks were walking to their monestary when they came to the ford of a river. There they saw a girl dressed in all her finery, obviously now knowing how to get across since the river was high and she did not want to spoil her clothes. Without hesitation, the first monk took her on his back, carried her across and put her down on dry ground on the other side. She thanked him profusely and departed.
As the monks continued on their way, the second monk was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "Our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her! It is improper!"
The first monk smiles and replies "I left her on the river bank, are you still carrying her?"
The second:
One day, a young monk was given charge of tending to the garden within a large and famous Zen temple.
The temple was to recieve a visit from a wise zen master that day and since the young monk was eager to make a good impression, he took extra care in tending to the garden. He pulled the weeds, trimmed the shrubs, combed the moss, and spent a long time meticulously raking up all the dry autumn leaves.
The zen master appeared just as he was finished. " Master!" said the young monk, "I have worked hard on this garden all day. Isn't it beautiful!"
"Yes," replied the old man, "but there is something missing. Here, let me help you." Slowly, the master walked to the tree near the center of the garden, grabbed it by the trunk, and shook it. Leaves showered down all over the garden. "There," said the old man, "much better."
Now I know there's a hidden message in there for me; you didn't just post two random stories =)...
I'm struggling making connections though, which is weird, because I'm usually on top of my game at 5 am. How do you interpret these stories, especially the first.
Haha, I thought you can answer your own questions by looking inside [inside inside]. I like that quote by the way.
But I will give you my
thoughts on how these can apply to your post.
Story 1
- Let things go. Instead of carrying around all that stress from mistakes (perceived or actual), accept yourself, forgive yourself, and move on.
- Sometimes it's OK to be unprofessional. (which is pretty hypocritical coming from me, I would definitely be that second monk. But I think its still a good lesson, even if I struggle with it)
Story 2
- It's possible to overdo things in the pursuit of perfection. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to reach some imagined ideal.
- Keep multiple perspectives. One man may see something as nothing but flaws, but another man may see the same thing as beautiful.
Completely Random Story:
A long time ago there existed a tribe of people who built their houses out of grass. Even the king's palace was made of grass, although it was very large and contained multiple stories. The tribe was prosperous and the king was fair, although he had one peculiar obsession: he loved thrones.
He collected all kinds of thrones, some were tall and narrow, some were short and wide. And almost all of them were covered in gold and precious jewels. Over the years, his collection grew larger and larger until almost every room in the palace was filled with thrones.
One day, an especially large and ornate throne arrived at the palace. "Exquisite!" exclaimed the king, "This throne must be set in the place of honor on the top floor of the palace!" And he dispatched his servants to carry the heavy throne up several flights of stairs.
The servants did as they were told and lifted the throne up to the top floor. As they began to set the throne in the place of honor, however, the grass palace finally gave way to the combined weight of the thrones and collapsed on itself. The king was crushed under the weight of hundreds of falling thrones.
Moral of the Story: He who lives in a grass house should never stow thrones.
Haha, I looked inside and didn't like the answers I was getting.
I think your thoughts are things I know I need to do, but I struggle in actually doing them. Any advice on how to actually do the things suggested? Especially the letting things go one...
The techniques are unique to the individual, and for the most part unique to each problem. I think you have to go through a trial and error process until you find something that works for you. My adivce would be to just try a bunch of new things until you find something you like.
Here's a technique that sometimes works for me: Emotional Alchemy. I will take whatever problem is getting me down and make myself really angry about it. Even if it makes no sense to be angry about it. Just really pump up my ego, and use that to take offense. "How dare such a thing happen to someone so awesome as me?" or "God can't treat ME like this" or even just a flurry of curse words. For large problems I usually accompany this stage with exercise. Pushups, situps, jogging, or even just walking around. (Anger is good motivator for action)
After I'm good and tired and the anger as boiled for a while and burned away all the sadness, I completely deflate my anger through the absurdity of my situation. I make it into something that I find funny. "It's hilarious that a goofball like me would over-react so much to something so petty." or "Ass-tastical monkey-fucker is a funny expression"
Sadness -> Anger.
Anger -> Laughter.
Once I'm laughing about something it makes it easier to let go of.
I think you have to be a believer in your anger for that to work. The words you say out of anger have to have meaning, because I can totally picture myself saying the following:
"How dare such a thing happen to someone so awesome as me?" (pause) "Probably because I'm not awesome."
Or,
"God can't treat ME like this" (pause) "Sigh, yet he is."
Actually...
If I just went on an angry profanity-laced tirade, that would probably be best. It's hard for me to respond to myself when all I say is "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck everything's stupid mother fuckers fuck fuck fuck."
Hmmmm...I think I can try something tomorrow. When no kids are around, of course.
I love the first monk story!
I definitely go through ups and downs of job satisfaction. The past year has really put things into perspective for me and I don't stress as much as I used to.
You definitely have to feel genuinely angry. If those quotes won't work, how about "This is really pissing me off that those quotes aren't working" Or profanity is good too. Whatever works.
Keeping things in proper perspective is another good technique for avoiding job stress. As Adam is alluding to, there are more important things than what you do for a living.
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