I laid in bed the other night wide awake. Grace was fast asleep, the kitties were curled up at the side of the bed, and I just laid...staring out our open bedroom door and listening. I listened for slightest and quietest of sounds- a lock turning, door creaks, soft footsteps- all of which were hard to hear over our two fans that were cooling on max speed. I laid for an hour holding Grace as if I was a child and she was my teddy bear, petrified by fear. Fear of intruders. Fear of robbers. Fear of attackers. Fear of murderers. Plain and unfounded fear.
It was during this hour awake in bed that I realized that I am afraid of life. I think for years I've been lying to myself because I didn't want to believe it, but I think it's time that I not only realize it, but accept it.
This is a hard thing to do. "Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think." We've all heard quotes similar. I want to seize my day...but it's hard when I'm afraid.
I'm scared of mother nature. I think about places I want to live...the west coast (earthquakes), the midwest (tornadoes, possible volcanic activity, flooding), and the southeast (hurricanes), and I can quickly dismiss them as possibilities for one reason or another. I always think the next lightening strike in a thunderstorm has my name written on it. Black ice haunts me when I drive in the winter. I'm afraid of my own mother nature.
I think about having kids in the future, and one of my immediate thoughts is, "Do I really want a child to grow up in today's world?" All things considered, the last thirty years in America's history have been relatively quiet. My lifetime has been peaceful. Now, with anti-American sentiment, feuds in the middle east and tensions in the far-east...will it last forever? Will there be a boiling point? With weaponry the way it is today, I hope no...but if a nuclear holocaust can happen once, why not twice? Do I want to bring a child into the world to see the possible horrors of the future? I'm not sure the answer to that...all I know is that the future scares me, and I fear for a child's well being that's yet to be conceived.
I'm scared of being robbed, assaulted, or murdered. I play situations over and over in my head. What weapons my assailant has. Where I would be. What I would do. Where Grace is. What objects are available for me to use to defend myself. Would I be too scared too move. Would I fight and die. I watch shows all the time on TV (Cold Case Files, American Justice, I Survived, Notorious, etc.) that showcase evil men and evil crimes...that happen to the most innocent of people. I'm innocent. Those crimes could happen to me, and I'm afraid one day they will.
***
Living life to it's fullest...when you're afraid of the world and what it offers. I understand the joys and beauties of life counterbalance some of the evils and perils, and that one should focus on what's good rather than bad. But like a depressive who is too low, or an upbeat optimist who's too high, I am a normal person who is just too afraid.
And honestly, I don't know if I'll ever change. But at least I can admit it now. I'm afraid.
~Mikey D
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7 comments:
I'm afraid the world is going to end in 2012. I saw some show on the History channel about Nostradamus. They said they found some new predictions and claimed that he was saying the world will end when all of the planets are in some type of alignment. The next time that happens is supposed to be in 2012. Then, I later found out the Mayan calendar predicted that the world will end December 21, 2012. Scary.
I have typed-out and deleted about 15 different responses to this post.
Zen, Buddhism, Christianity and philosophy all have A LOT to say about fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of death, whatever. I found most of it immensely helpful. So my advice is to study up! Something in that mess will help...
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."
-Mark Twain
I have all summer! Where do I start =)?
Psshhh...always start at the beginning!
Ok, here's where I would start if I were you:
What am I afraid of, and why? The "what" is easy. Maybe it's death, maybe it's loss, maybe it's change, maybe it's...i don't know...big hairy insects. The key is in the "why." The why will lead you to more questions. (What I've found is that every answer creates at least two questions...)
Take death as an example. That may lead you to questions like:
"Is there life after death?"
"What is the point of human existence?"
"What is the purpose of my life in particular?"
These are intensely personal questions. Questions that you, and only you, can decide. But these questions have also been debated for thousands of years, and you can benefit from some of the theories that mankind has created. (That was the point of the Goethe quote on my blog by the way...)
Anyway, once you have a few of those questions answered, you can get back to the original problem of death. If you are and Evangelical Christian, you may believe that death is nothing to fear if you have lived a moral life because you will be granted eternal life in heaven. If you are me, you believe that the "I" is an illusion anyway. As Dan Millman would say, "nothing more than a humorous incident when consciousness forgot itself." The death of this thing called "my body" is nothing to fear because I am not my body. (I have to constantly remind myself of this, as the mind is easily distracted...)
But that's only where I would start. These things have a way of running into each other and overlapping, so just start wherever your questions take you.
I'm feeling like the "what" is hard to narrow down for me. It's hard for me to categorize the "what" into something broad like death.
It's like I can think of a "what" everywhere I go. I am afraid of this. I am afraid of that. I don't feel like there's a room, a place, or an environment where I feel completely fear-free. Perhaps I have just found my "what" right there...way to go me and my ramblings!
So is there a more concise way of stating my "what" to further explore it?
I would imagine that petty much all fears (except maybe phobias) can be reduced to either fear of death, fear of loss (which I guess could include death), or fear of change/the unknown. I'd start with one of those I guess.
And you are absolutely right that there is no place that is "fear-free." Fear is a natural, and even healthy response of the body. Fear is not the problem.
It's all about changing your reaction to fear, not removing fear.
Changing my reaction to fear...I like that.
I guess your right, it all boils down to a fear of death, how I go doesn't matter as much.
I think I'll start with a fear of the unknown (which ultimately leads to death).
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