"My dick cost a late night fee, your dick got the H-I-V. My dick plays on the double-feature screen, your dick went straight to DVD. My dick bigger than a bridge, your dick look like a little kid's."
Truth be known, I do listen to some crappy music. I think more good than bad, but there are times I fall in love with a terrible song. Right now, my favorite song is by Mickey Avalon and it's called "My Dick". "My dick rumble in the jungle, your dick got touched by your uncle." There's no redeeming quality about this song except that it makes me laugh, and from what I hear, laughter is good sometimes.
Anyway, so I'm listening to the song on the way to work today and I got caught up in the following line:
"Oh, and P.S., we got dicks like Jesus."
Interesting. That really made me think...would it be good to have a dick like Jesus? This thought consumed me on my entire ride to work.
Let's start from a purely scientific standpoint. As humans we have grown as a species. Not just intellectually, but physically as well. It's fact that the average height of a man and woman nowadays is higher than in days gone by. And with taller peoples comes bigger and, cough cough, longer parts. Just saying. Now Jesus might have been a very well-endowed man, but there's no way of us knowing, especially a bunch of rappers singing a song called "My Dick" (I'm just assuming). But if we go by the law of averages from a scientific standpoint, well, Jesus probably had a smaller weenie than we do, and thus, it would not be good to have a dick like Jesus.
Maybe the song doesn't mean dicks like Jesus' in size, but rather they're taking the "savior" route- as in their dick is a pleasure savior to women. The curious thing is that Jesus was a virgin, as far as we think we know. So how could we conclude that Jesus would be an excellent lover? We can't! Sure there must have been opportunities. I mean, you'd think some horny ho must have at least tried to have sex with Jesus. He couldn't have been beloved by all and yet repulsed by all women, could he? So here's the only conclusion we can make...Jesus as a lover is no different than some virgin teenager. Untapped potential, but no factual evidence to support any ultra-orgasmic occurrences that would be worthy of 21st century rap lyrics. So a comparison to Jesus' talents in the bedroom is really unfounded, and thus not worth mentioning.
It is also possible that the artists thought their penises looked like Jesus. Although I'm pretty sure Jesus had two eyes, and not one, so I'm ruling this theory out.
In conclusion, I've decided to change the lyrics of this one line to, "Oh, and P.S., we got dicks like first century midget virgins." It doesn't fit with the song as well, but I feel it's more appropriate and avoids misinterpretation.
And I'm all about being more appropriate and avoiding misinterpretation.
And now I think I'll reread my post and take an opportunity to reevaluate what I'm doing with the time in my life. I'm sensing an eye-opening experience...
~Mikey D
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2 comments:
This post made me laugh.
Is it sad that the first thing that I thought of when I read the "dicks like Jesus" line was exactly the first point you mentioned in your analysis?
But as to your second point, as The Davinci Code clearly proved, Jesus was not a virgin. But even if he was, you have to figure that he could work his Jesus Magic and at least be an above average lover. If he can walk on water and turn water into wine, he has to be able to find the g-spot, right?
Well you would think...but if I'm going to compare my dick to something, I want to compare it to a proven commodity, like a pornstar, say Ron Jeremy. Then again I'm not that religous, so to each his own.
Haha, and I don't think it's sad. That's why we're friends. We both are fucked up in the head...but you more than me.
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