Mikey D

For those of you who do not know me that well, or have not been to a restaurant with me lately, I am very picky about food service. Maybe picky is the wrong word. Picky would be if I complained about the design on the restaurant's cups, color of the ceiling, or even the name of the restaurant (Cheesecake Factory? Seriously, for 24 years I thought they only served CHEESECAKE. How the hell was I supposed to know that: a) they served dinners, and b) their dinners would be not only delicious, but spectacular???). I think a better word would be 'critical'. Yeah, that's better.

First, let me tell you a few things that I come to expect and believe should happen when I sit down to dine at a restaurant. These are things that I do believe that I am most critical about. The list, in no particular order:

1) You fill my drinks when my cup is empty, or 1/5 full. When you refill my drink, you take away my old cup to avoid table clutter.
2) I want to see my waiter/waitress more than twice a meal. I don't feel I should have to tip you if the only thing you do is give me my menu and give me my bill. How many times have you been to a restaurant, and someone else refills your drinks, brings you your appetizer, your main dish, your extra side of barbecue sauce you desperately need to dip your fries in, etc, etc? And after allllll that, voila, magically the person you are supposed to tip shows back up to collect. It's just wrong.
3) A waiter/waitress should never swear at their patrons. Kevin and Paul get this one. Yes, I am a young guy. Most waiters are young guys as well. Young guys swear; it's just a fact of life. Waiters should not, however, swear to "get along" or "bond" with their customers. Be professional.
4) Bring the appetizer BEFORE the main course, not WITH the main course. It's a reason it's called an appetizer, or "starter" on some menus.
5) I liked to be checked on throughout the meal. You don't have to verbally ask me every two minutes if my meal is alright, but I would like to see you visually monitor my table in passing. Ask me if I need anything every ten minutes or so. It's frustrating when there's twenty minute lapses in time before you see your waiter/waitress again.

Five simple rules. Not hard, yet for me they time and time again get broken, and it puts me in an unnecessary bad mood.

This leads me to a couple new theories on food service. Without further ado...

1) Get rid of all hosts/hostesses at restaurants that do not have waits. I do understand that some restaurants have a wait during the dinner rush, and a host/hostess is needed to keep order. But if you're a restaurant (New York J&P Pizza) that doesn't have dinner rush, than a host is not needed! It bothers me when you just have a person standing in front of the door not doing anything for long periods of time. It bothers me when I watch her playing on her cell, setting her pop cup on someones booth, and chatting with her friends at a nearby table. Not that I saw someone do that...but I saw someone do that. Ridiculous. What are you paid for again? Oh, sitting people??? I'm just going to hire a monkey and pay him in bananas and I'm pretty sure I'll get the same result and production as I get from you. Harsh? No, honest.

2) COOKS SHOULD GET TIPPED! Pay cooks waiter/waitress salaries, and give waiters/waitresses the set salary. Why am I going to a restaurant? For stellar seat sitting, menu-handing, order taking, bill-giving service? No! For the goddamn food! If the cook makes an awesome meal for me, why should the waiter or waitress be the one who reaps all the benefits? Because they handed me the food??? Because they told the cook what awesome meal I'd like??? I'd much rather just tip the cook for the food I came for.

On a personal note, I went to New York J&P last night (against my dwindling bank accounts wishes) and had possibly the worst service I've ever had. The waiter took our order and forgot it, brought us the wrong food, took 15 minutes to get our drinks...the whole thing was terrible. It was his first day on the job though. He was very upfront and honest with us at the beginning, and he apologized in advance for all his potential and inevitable mistakes he'd make throughout the meal. It was refreshing to see the humility. At the end of our meal, he asked us what he could have done better. How awesome is that? He knew he wasn't great, but he wanted to get better. He wanted to be better, and he took our comments as advice instead of criticism. And the best part? He shook my hand. In all my years I have never had a waiter or waitress shake my hand after a meal. He genuinely respected our comments and our patience throughout the meal. He actually shook my hand. Needless to say, he got the best tip I've given to a waiter/waitress in months.

~Mikey D